The Last Conversation.

October 6, 2012.

Around 9 a.m.

One missed call.

I tried calling back, no answer.

In an instance, the phone rang.

Ayah.

"How's the weather over there?"

"Oh, it's good!"

"Good? It's very cold here (IJN)."

"Oh, so you (are) speaking London haa?" (with my favourite Brit accent as usual)

I heard Ayah giggled. Then we talked for about 3 minutes. I told him I'll be coming to visit him that morning, and as far as I remembered, my last words were "See you!"

It was about more than one and a half hour later, when I was about to go out to IJN, when I received the heartbreaking news. Mama called. Ayah collapsed on the hospital bed, maybe around 30-40 minutes after our conversation. The doctors suspected Ayah had a mild stroke, Mama told me Ayah suddenly felt  dizzy and vomitted twice before he collapsed.

I couldn't even say a word to Mama, I just ended the call, stood still, and cried. 

I arrived at IJN (National Heart Institute) around 11 a.m. with my two dearest Doctor bestfriends. Ayah had been transferred to CCU (Coronary Care Unit) so Mama had to pack up all their things in the normal ward.

Ayah had been admitted to IJN since September 30, 2012. He had undergone the angiogram procedure, and the doctors decided to proceed with heart surgery (by pass operation). I was quite surprised as I never thought Ayah's heart condition could be that worse that needs him to undergo by pass. But again, he's in the heart specialist hospital with great cardiologists, so they should know Ayah's heart better.

Ayah wanted to postpone his operation, at least until I fly to London (scheduled around November). But the doctors didn't allow him to do so, they told him he had the risk of getting a heart attack, so they tried to slot in his operation the week after. By October 4, 2012 we already knew the date. October 11, 2012. Just great. My convocation would be on October 15, and none of the family members would attend. But I already told my plan to Ayah, I would pick up the graduation robe earlier and bring it to the hospital, so we can have a convocation picture together :)

Just when you think you've had enough of bad things happening to you, things can go extremely wrong.

We waited outside the CCU for about an hour, then they called the family members. 

We entered the CCU, into a small room. Sat side by side. On my right was Mama, on my left were my bestfriends. My sisters, brother, and brother-in-law sat side by side infront.

Two guys came in, introduced themselves as Neurosurgeons from Hospital Kuala Lumpur.

Then one of them started to explain....

I was very calm, very positive until he started to tell how severe was the brain hemorrhage, that Ayah almost had no response, and considered the brain was dead. Ayah couldn't survive without the life support, operations won't do him any good, and it was only a matter of time until his heart stopped beating.

It felt like in a movie. I didn't shed any tears at that moment, but my body was shaking, hands were trembling. 

We just talked through the phone, like always, and then the next thing I know, Ayah's gonna die? 

The first thing Mama said to the Neurosurgeons was "I just want him to live."

The doctors asked Mama if we still want them to proceed to operation, and she asked me. 

I took a deep breath, I held Mama's hand, and I said "Mama, kalau Ayah survive pun, Ayah tak boleh bangun balik berjalan macam orang biasa, nanti Ayah suffer, Ayah sakit."

At that moment, I just wanna go and see Ayah, I wanna hug him, kiss him, at least while his skins were still red and warm, although he might not give any response, I believe he can feel me, and feel us.

So the Neurosurgeons brought us to Ayah's bed, and the moment I saw him lying on the bed with so many tubes and wires attached, lifeless, I just felt like he wasn't there anymore. I felt like he was somewhere else, continuing his journey to his Creator. 

It was very hard to picture him like that. All my life, I can only remember seeing Ayah happy, smiling, even on the hospital bed. Never failed to make us smile, never stopped to make us believe he was fine.. always.

Ayah was in a critical state. I didn't pray for miracle to happen, I just prayed whatever plans God had for Ayah, please make it easy for him.

I kept repeating to Ayah, "We'll meet again in Heaven."

It was hours later, around 8 p.m. when the doctor asked all of the family members to gather beside Ayah, as his blood pressure was decreasing greatly. 

An hour later, the doctor informed us, after examining Ayah, whatever we saw on the monitor (blood pressure, heart rate etc.) were all effects from the medication. The words were still very fresh in my mind up to this moment, "Saya mintak maaf. Tapi, sebenarnya, Encik Zain yang saya kenal, dah tak ada dah." He suggested to us to either wait until the heart stopped, or he can detached the life support machine. We all agreed to not wait any longer, we knew Ayah wanted that too.

That night, on October 6 2012, I finally faced my greatest fear. Losing Ayah.

It was very hard. But I never regret cause I have made the right decision to move back home and spent most of my time with Ayah since a year ago. He left knowing parts of my plans for the future, knowing I had graduated for my Master's degree, and soon to pursue my PhD in London. I bet he also knew I can take a good care of myself, and surrounded by wonderful people around me, who are always there for me.

Dear all, thank you for your prayers and continuous support from my Day 1 without Ayah. You've all been my strength all this while, only God knows how thankful I am to have all of you with me during these tough times.

And I'm glad, to have answered that last phone call from Ayah, and had a happy conversation with him, for the last time...

Phone calls, shouldn't be taken for granted. It might be their last call. Before their last breath....

Ayah, I miss you. So bad. Al-fatihah.

Loving what you do.

It's a matter of choice.

To give up, to move on, to stop and cry, or to stay strong and fly high.

I remembered he read me this from the newspaper one Sunday morning, 

When you have passion in whatever you're doing, nothing can stop you.

No matter what. No matter how. Loving what you do, that's all that matters :)

Hope you're all doing things you love :) and I wish you well ;)

Cheers, mate!

^__^

One Step Closer

Wow!

It has been a while since I last updated this space. Wow.

So now Life has been equally beautiful to me, everyday is a step towards the future, towards a dream that will eventually come true, fairytales are telling me the truth, that true love is the cure of all evil :)

And now the Love I have been fighting for these last 10 years, will become reality insyaAllah ^__^

Leaving Malaysia sooner. Excited, nervous, and sentimental.

Leaving the loved ones, temporarily. And for the Love that had found me, insyaAllah we'll always find the way back to each other, no matter how far the distance, nor how long the time. 

It's that moment you know, when you get to overcome every obstacles along the way, you just knew, God let you pass, for it's already time, cause you're all set up, ready.. to go and see the world ^_^

Hey Universe! Wait for meeeee!! ^_^

Half full. Half empty. Half FULL.

It’s a matter of choice. To see it half full, or half empty. We certainly can’t be sure of what lies ahead, but we can always prepare for the worst... and hope for the best. Not knowing what would turn up can be torturous, but that might only happen when we concentrate too much on the glass half empty. So why not try to focus more on the glass half full, and fill it up with joy and happiness, and feeling blessed with all the beautiful things in Life. Again, it’s a matter of choice J

Guardiola Made Me Believe. Thanks Pep!

I started to watch FC Barcelona after Spain won the World Cup back in 2010. 

I started to watch football after Spain loses to Switzerland in their first match of World Cup 2010. I rooted for Spain, eventhough I know nothing about football, I did enjoyed myself watching the game. And when they won, I never thought I would be so into football later on.

A friend suggested to me, to watch FC Barcelona play since I was attracted to Spain's game play. So I stayed up, for the first time, August 30th 1 a.m Malaysia time, to watch this team play against Racing. They won the game 3-0, with Messi, Iniesta and Villa scoring. 

Many might misjudged I was so into football because of Messi. No. It wasn't close at all. I watched Messi played with Argentina during World Cup 2010, but it didn't caught my attention. But watching him play with Barca, was a whole new perspective to me.

This is my 2nd season with Barca, and I've watched them play to victories. The best game I'd never forget was the Champion's League Final and my first El-classico which Barca won 5-0. It was in this game that CR7 pushed Guardiola, and Valdes left his goal, ran up to show his protest to CR7. It was one tensed game, but I could see how the team respected Guardiola so much, but at the same time, they were like brothers. That explained well the "Mes que un club" :)

I always love to watch Guardiola during any match. His expressions were kinda fun to watch, plus he does have a pleasant look, with or without hair :) 

It was him that made the club special. It was him that created chances to every talented players. It was him that was responsible for every single victory or defeat. But with every win, he kept his feet on the ground, while enjoying the sweetness of victory being on top :)

It was him, that made me believe, football isn't just for men. He made me believe that football can be beautiful. He made me believe that teamwork and respect can bring a whole lot of differences.

Yesterday, the world was shocked by his decision to leave the club. After the double loss, now he wanted to leave. Personally, deep down inside, eventhough it was only my 2nd season with Barca, I felt sad. I would love to see more from him, I would love to see how he can bring the team back to where they used to be, I would love to see him as a brother to convince all of the team to bounce back. And yeah, I once dreamt of watching him live at Camp Nou sometime later. Looks like it'd forever be a dream, that never came true :')

It touched my heart to read everything people gotta say about his decision, especially the players. As much as we, Cules wanted him to stay, the club must've wanted him to stay even more.

And this picture, explains it all.

"I want to thank Pep wholeheartedly how much he has given me to my personal and professional career."
Leo Messi 

Deep down, from my heart, from a girl fan, I would like to thank Pep Guardiola for making me believe. In football. In FC Barcelona. Mes que un club. More than a club ^_^ Thanks Pep! You'll be missed! :')

And I have faith, that Tito, will make me believe too, just like Pep did :)

Visca el Barca! ^_^

Wanted

Hunting for Prince Charming versi Melayu ^__^

Communication: how meaningful it was back then

I was sitting in front of my laptop this afternoon when Ayah took out a file and asked me if I wanna have a look.

It was a file full of old documents, including letters my late grand dad had sent around the 80's.

I enjoyed myself reading those letters, in some which grand dad spelled my name as Masira :). It was then when Ayah quoted what my grand dad requested, it touched my heart and made me think, deep.

"Tulis lah surat, kosong pun tak apa, janji ada, nak tau berita je."

Back then, the snail mail, was the only communication they have. No telephone lines, no internet, no nothing.

It somehow made me think how hard it was for them to just know that their loved ones are doing fine back then. It touched my heart to realize how easy communications are these days, but still, we took it for granted, we took our loved ones for granted.

How many times in a week we called Mom and Dad, just to make sure they are fine?

How many times we rejected the calls from our loved ones, cause we can just call them back later on?

How many times we forgot to call back then?

The technology has becoming more advanced day by day, but yet, it seems to distant relationships. 

Sometimes it's good to appreciate the hardships of the earlier generations, in order to be grateful of what we have today.

Together, let's make full use of the technologies we have today, in a good way, and appreciate our loved ones, while we still can :)

P/S: Dear Grand dad, if you're still here with the technologies we have now, I bet you'll be one modern Atuk. I miss you. Al-fatihah.

Mr. You-know-who

I met this guy by accident,
Of all the faces, all of a sudden,
Like an angel touches the heart
Like a prince winning the fight

We found Us in a hopeless place
We found Us through unexpected ways
And no matter how odd things would be
Just don't bother coz You have me ",

And to You Mr. You-know-who,
You who brought the sugar rush in me,
should always know how much I enjoy being hyperhappy ^__^

Thank You You ;)

The Best March in My Life :)

March 10, 2012.

It was indeed a lucky day, for a lucky me. I passed the IELTS requirement for studying in the UK, and I won an iPad from The British Council's UK Education Fair lucky draw :) 

March 16-17, 2012.

I went to Putrajaya for the International Hot Air Balloon Fiesta 2012 for 3 sessions, and had a good time with family and friends :) I had been to the same event for 4 consecutive years now, and I do hope I'll be seeing a lot more in the future. The balloons are beautiful, and yeah, I have to admit that I got excited watching things fly -_-

March 23-25, 2012.

Formula 1 Malaysian GP. The best Formula 1 experience so far. I went to Sepang on Friday to collect the tickets and watched the Friday practice. It was then when I found out that this year Sepang International Circuit was offering public pitlane walk for ticket holders. Guess it's a lucky me again ;) For the first time ever, I walked on the same ground with the superduperyummilicious fast cars! It's like a dream come true :) *faint*

Saturday wasn't a good one for my Ferrari team. Other cars just seemed better, but I still had faith that anything can happen the next day :) 

Sunday was a blast! It rained, the race was suspended after 9 laps, luckily the rain stopped after some while, and suddenly Ferrari's Alonso got the lead... till the chequered flag! Yeay! :)

It was the first time since I've been to Sepang, that Ferrari won ^_^  sweet victory :)

March 30 - April 1, 2012.

Few days before, I went out with my bestfriend and we came up with this crazy idea. Holiday trip to Universal Studios Singapore. In just 2 days we've settled the bookings and whatnot, and yeah, it was indeed, the best birthday I ever had :) And I'm glad that on my big day, Universal Studios held a Hollywood parade. Lucky me? Thank You Allah ^__^

Now that March is over, I still feel great, as the consequences of March's awesomeness are greatly felt until this moment :)

And yeah, it was in March, that You found me. Thank U You ^_^ It was indeed, the sweetest serendipity! ;)

The one that got away?

Sometimes in Life, we just have to put aside "WHO's in mind" to focus on "WHAT's in mind".

Dear Favourite Person,
It's hard and I'm sorry.
Sorry for not letting you know.

Maybe some day.....
Or maybe not.

Maybe we'll stay like this forever,
Maybe we'll fall for each other,
Maybe we'll go separate ways later,
Or maybe we'll end up together ^__^

But for now, what lies ahead, is not ours to see.
For I'll just wait, and see if we got lucky ;)

Postgraduate: Why research is never easy?

Few times in Life I've came across statements saying that Postgraduate studies are not as hard as working in the real world. Often, postgraduate students are underestimated by people who directly dived into the industry right after obtaining their first degrees.

How must I say this. It might look easy doing Master's by coursework, all you have to do is attend class, complete assignments and answer exams, but it's not fair to consider that as EASY. And to consider postgraduate studies by research as EASY, is ridiculously ridiculous.

Having a job in the real world is not that easy either. But most people are well informed about it. What they don't know is the challenges these postgraduate students are facing, even when all they did all day long was sitting in front of their computers.

The first and foremost about being a postgraduate student is that they have to forget about having a routine in their lives. Life would be very unpredictable, as well as their research progress. Sometimes they can have summer in Miami, sometimes they face the tsunami. Sometimes Life is like heaven, but most of the times it's like Hell. But what kept them going? The curiosity, the bounce-back-from-great-fall thing, the urge to keep investigating  Why What How When Which. It's not like those book exercises you've done where you can peek for the answers at the back, you never know if it's right or wrong. 

And research is not about being right or wrong. It's about the outcomes and how they justify it. That's what researchers do. that's why it's called Research. Repeat and search. Search and repeat. Repeat and repeat searching. So if you think research is easy, think again. and again.

Doing research, they have to be imaginative. They have to put their minds into whatever they are doing, having simulations in their minds, and have in-depth understanding of the subject. It's not a matter of intelligence, it's a matter of passion. If you fall in love with a girl or a guy, you'll probably do anything to understand her/him. In this case, you'll first develop interest in the subject, when you have interest, you'll become curious, that's when you'll investigate more and more about them, treat them and see their reactions, and analyse what's best and what's not for them. Simple but you yourself know it can be complicated, right? And that also applies in research ^__^

Being a postgraduate student doesn't restrict them from creating new networks and research opportunities with the industry. Postgraduate students are funded to attend conferences, as well as presenting a part of their findings through poster presentations or full research paper presentations. They can get to meet the people from the industry, senior researchers, and develop networking with other postgraduate students, which eventually will become a researcher in the future. Thus, a postgraduate student isn't really that nerdy with spectacles wearing labcoats, isolated in the university laboratory, and sometimes even forget the day and date. No. 

As far as I'm concerned, postgraduates are future lecturers/researchers. They are the next generation of academicians and experts that will ensure the success of many many generations to come. They will be a part of the machine that produces professionals in various fields, therefore, what they are doing now, should never be underestimated, as their efforts now, isn't only about themselves, but for the future of the next generation, and also, for our nation.

My deepest appreciation goes to all postgraduate students out there. Whatever Hell you're dealing with right now, just keep going, just keep believing, that one day, you'll finally reach it. Dreams do come true. I believe ^__^

With every step you climb another mountain

With every breath it's harder to believe

You'll make it through the pain

Whether the hurricanes

To get to that ONE THING ;)

No Boundaries - Kris Allen

History Channel :)

I didn't know History Channel has become interesting, until I realized I always got hooked in front of the tv till late.

These shows have become my favourites now, try to watch them, maybe you'll join the club too ;)

Pawn Stars

The Pickers

The Restoration

What do you think? ^_^

This race.

Something worth sharing.

Something inspiring.

For all of us.

No matter how far and how fast, if we aimed to finish the race, we will.

Our determinations will keep us going, and along the race, we'll always have our loved ones with us.

To everyone that has been with me, through my ups and downs along this race of Life, Thank You, I heart You ^_^


"when You don't give up, You cannot FAIL" ;)

Mad Mad World

Mis-

understood.

A song. The song.

I was browsing through this guy's youtube videos, when I realized I have hit the replay button like nearly five times now. His voice is undeniably amazing, but there's something more about this song that made me feel connected. Yeah, typical me. And yeah, this song reminds me of 'The Favourite Person'. Again . *sigh*

I don't wanna tell you that, sometimes I think of you.. and smile ;)
- I'm Falling For You by Chester See.

Dear Favourite Person ;)

Dear favourite person ;)

Without you noticing..
Your presence has been inspiring.

Without you knowing..
Your smile has kept me moving.

You might not notice, you might not know,
To myself I've promised, I'll try to keep things low.

It's not time to tell the world,
Not time to show them all.
How you captured my sight,
How you did it right.

But I couldn't stop myself from expressing
wouldn't dare to hide this feeling
shouldn't stop myself from believing
That one fine day, the world will know everything ;)

As for now my dear,
I really miss how we were.
How you became my favourite,remember?
The moments we always find each other :D

No matter what had changed your mind,
No matter what had made you realized,
No matter what had distant us,
I believe, behind it all there's a reason.

One fine day dear favourite person,
I hope you'll tell me bout it,
About everything I've been missing bout you,
All these while, all these while.

Dear favourite person,
I do like you a lot ;)
And you should feel it by heart...
That You're the only favourite person I have in mind. In the heart. And in Life ;)

Till we meet again. XOXO :)

How Odd is Odd?

How odd is odd?

Last night I fell asleep unprepared, didn’t brush my teeth, and didn’t wash my face, but remained asleep for like 6 hours.

Odd.

I woke up at 6.45 a.m. for my Subuh prayer.

Not that odd. :P

After prayer, I took out a plastic bag from the drawer. Inside it was an Al-Quran, a gift from a friend, bought from Makkah… have not touched it since I moved back home. Last I opened it was during Ramadhan last year. Owh God, it’s been quite some time yeah? Screw me.

And I began to recite a page (at least).

Definitely odd.

As usual, I got back on my comfy bed, and fell asleep again. When I woke up, I remembered, I had this one flash of image, and not sure if the image was my imagination or a dream. Seriously, I couldn’t distinguish between the two.

Odd.

More odd? The image.

It was a visual of me, on my wedding day, posing for our official photographer. My ‘husband’ was standing behind me, his hands were around my waist, we were wearing some light colour traditional Malay wedding costumes, and yeah, I was looking at his face, and we were smiling to each other. Looking at his face within few cm distance, how can I not notice exactly who he is? You tell me.

I’m not telling who he is. No no no. Not telling.

It’s very odd indeed. Whatever happened this morning was very odd to me. Was it a dream? Or some sign? No, I didn't do any Istikharah lately. Except, I always pray that my other half would be safe and succeed in everything he is pursuing, so that when we finally found each other later, we’re prepared :P

So between a sign, or just a dream, I would rather take it as a dream. It has been said that our subconscious mind is the source of our dreams, so it might be that the person occurring in my dream is just a coincidence, as he is someone I know, and I meet regularly. Hah hah hah! 

Not telling not telling not telling, and don’t ask. NOT TELLING! :D

Perhaps? ;)

I'm going far,

Stay where you are.

But if you insist,

I can't resist.

Follow me fly,

Up high in the sky.

This is what I fear the most. The feeling of leaving everything behind, while making my dreams come true.

I am now officially a Master's holder. It means I must now, seriously have to put all my efforts, in order to achieve my goals, to study overseas, and to get a PhD before 30. Crazy? Nah. Other people can do it, why can't I? So I am currently browsing through University courses in Britain Top Universities. Don't ask me why UK, it's been a dream. Been in London once, at the age of 6, and yes, since then, I always look forward to come back to London, again ;)

As much as I'm excited about the whole thing, there's this feeling inside that I couldn't get rid off. Yeah, it's killing me. Killing me badly.

The moment I waived goodbye to my loved ones, would be the hardest moment I expected. I would be missing their smiles, their giggles, their laughters, their jokes, their tears, their happiness, and the warmth of their love. Gosh. Even imagining this is hard, being at the actual moment might be deadly.

And what if ... what if..  I met You already?

Would You beg me not to go?

Or would You fake your smile and cry inside?

Or would You promise me it'll be fine?

Or would You not turn up on the very last day on the very last goodbye?

If only You knew, how hard it is for me to hold this feeling, even before I met You.

As much as I hope I wouldn't meet You anytime sooner, I couldn't deny the fact that love is so mysterious, it can come and touches my heart anytime, in anyway, at any place, with anyone...

For I can only pray, and hope... for the best. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I believe. I hope You too ;)

Sometimes I wonder, this journey, would it take me to where You are, or farther from You? 

No one has the answer. If farther will make me stronger, I think I can survive a year or two. Perhaps? :P

Time to sleep. And dream of London. with You ;) Good night world :)

Dear You :)

A Prince Charming, sometimes I want.

A handsome rich guy, sometimes I want. 

A Superhero, sometimes I want.

A guardian angel, sometimes I want. 

but no matter what I'm searching for,

most of the times, I just need You ;)

Dear Mr. Other Half,

wherever you are,

whatever you're doing,

please be safe,

please take care.

Can't wait to see You.

as much as to know You.

and as much as to say... 'I do' ;)

and If you're already here to stay,

do let me know, for I'll just say,

all along I believed I would find You

Time has brought your Heart to Me

I have loved You for a thousand years

I'd love You for a thousand more ^_^

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

P/S: Happy 2012 all! The best is yet to come, in Life, and in Love, perhaps? :P