This is just a post I wrote in 2009. But I think it's worth sharing. Read by your heart, feel by your soul, and pray by your faith. Let's hope everyone's gonna be okay, and live happily ever after :)
Can you lend me your heart just for a while?
Wednesday, 18 November 2009 at 13:33
I'm writing this not because I'm being emotional, but to share my thoughts, and express what I feel, as I always express everyTHING since I learnt the power of Expressing ",
As you all know, my dad just experienced the angioplasty in IJN. Angio-WHAT? Feel free to google it, or just ask the Doctors, or Doctors-to-be ", Before he was admitted to IJN, Ayah told me not to worry, the risk was only 1%. Yeah, DON'T WORRY. But as the most stubborn child, of course I AM WORRIED ENOUGH.
But where was I? At that particular time, the time he was admitted to IJN, I was in the lab, busy, too busy being a workaholic. All I did was praying everything would turn out fine.
But it didn't. It was that moment I felt something was wrong because I still couldn't get to talk to dad the day after the operation.
I went to IJN that evening. And I saw him in pain. Due to some complications, the operation took 3 hours, and too much of coloring dye made him sick, he resisted food, TOTALLY. I just got a few lines of conversation with dad before he went to sleep.
I was so very emotionally unstabled the moment I came back to UPM. Yes I cried, the mixed feeling of guilt and anxiety. I felt so liveless deep inside, as I imagined for all that happened, and remembered dad always said he thinks he would live only till 70, which is only 6 years from now. Honestly, I always never want to imagine such things. Because all I know is that I'm never prepared for it. You can say Ajal maut di tangan Tuhan, setiap manusia akan mati bla bla bla, but the fact is I just don't know how. I have tried, but I failed. Even losing the one I loved for a couple of years was a real pain, how can I define the feelings when it comes to those I have loved for my entire life?
And yet something has to be blamed for a reason. And yeah, eventhough it's a lifestyle disease, which is combination of something else, I still blame that damn cigar.
Hey remember the commercials Don’t Break My Heart? Yeah I heard people talking, smokers are immune to such things. It’s true indeed. Both. The immune part, and the breaking heart part.
The immune part: As years goes by, since I learnt that smoking behavior would give much harm than benefits to human, I always talked to dad about it. Days and night, whenever I saw dad with that damn cigar. Even me too was sensitive to the smoke, it made me feel sick couple of times. But in return, dad joked about it, something like “Ayah isap rokok da lame da, idup lagi ni..” OK Fine.
The breaking heart part: 3 years ago dad quit smoking, all because of the chest pain he encountered. I was the happiest human being on earth, finally God heard me. Last Puasa, I went to Medan Mara for shopping Raya with mom and dad. There was this one poster showing the lungs of a smoker and a non-smoker. Then dad said, “Oh, yang kanan tu (the smoker one) macam Ayah punye la eh”. His joke made me speechless. That moment, I WANNA CRY!!!
Dear friends, I’m not trying to tell you how much I hate cigars. There’s something I’d like to explain here.
When a girl partner expressed to her guy partner how she hated that damn cigars, by saying “BUSUK lah!” or “TAK BAIK UNTUK KESIHATAN lah!” etc., I think you should consider and think deeply.
This is a confession of a daughter of an ex-smoker, an ex-girlfriend of smokers, and a friend to a lot more smokers, A confession of mine..
Listen. When a girl expressed how she hated smokes in any ways, she was accused to be not understanding and trying to take control of a guy’s life. It wasn’t true at all.
What if I say that it all arise because she was too afraid to accept the fact that her partner for life would leave her alone one day? Waking up in the morning to see someone liveless beside her? Or never really sleeps to be the best guardian on earth, praying day and night miracle would happen so that they both can keep dreaming and make them come true, as always~ and to see the efforts paid off during the graduation days of their children?
And when she’s left alone, do you think she could survive? Survive when the one who promised to love and care for her, to be with her ups and downs, someone who used to be her greatest enemy that masters all her weaknesses and complete them with everything he has , left her with no goodbyes?
And what if she was afraid the smokes she breathes in since she met the one she loves with all her heart would kill her silently? And she has to leave him earlier and then he would be blaming himself until his last breath.
How would he feel if his sweetest daughter faked a smile just to make him happy while seeing him lying, wired on a hospital bed? Pretending everything would be fine, but the fact that the daughter knew there’s not much time left? No matter how she hoped for miracle to happen, the ‘effort’ has been done, and that was the ‘reward’. The daughter tried so hard to be the best, to impress him with her achievements, to tell him literally, that “all I have achieved all these years, were all because of YOU.” At least she could feel a bit relief, coz she didn’t spare a single cent on the hospital bills, because she thought the time can wait, at least until she got a good job and a good pay, like what dad always told her to seek for more. And rite now, she’s nearly sure, whatever happens, she must cherish every single opportunity she has, to spend with her dad. Owh God, I’m never prepared for it :(
So guys, I’m not begging anyone to quit smoking, or telling you how dangerous it is, all I hoped for is for you to understand, that when it comes to this smoking matter, or any matters that you love to do, but the fact that it would somehow harm you, girls are not being supportive not because they never try to understand, but sometimes they understood the consequences well than you do.
Last words, dad keep repeating this “It’s not worth it to feel such pain”…. Wassalam.
P/S: thank you all for your prayers and support. My dad has recovered, not totally but better enough to bring back a smile on his face. Everything’s fine now~ thank you God.
It is always clear that I always hate cigars, and the smoke. But now, living in this world, at this age, at this moment, it is real hard to avoid them. And now I've come to the fact that it's possible one day I might just let myself got invaded by smoking people around me, for the sake of love and friendship. And more tragical, if it happens to be my other half. It's hard, love... it's hard. You should know this *sigh*
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